Helpless
by The-one-of-dead-eyes
Summary: Based on the idea Italy has depression/ is depressed and hides it . Even from Germany . WARNINGS trigger , depression , GerIta , yaoi , medication use , past / metions of self harm ( in this instance cutting ) .


**_Hey my dead ones , I'm not dead , however I've been having problems with my depression lately and the idea to write this just came over me ~ . This came from the idea in a few fanfics I've read that Italy has depression and just puts on an act so people don't worry themselfs . As a person with depression , I see how it's accurate , you dont want people to be involved for many reasons . I thought it was a cool idea and whent with 'a day in a life of depressed Italy '_**

**_so without further ranting , I give you a story while I think of what happens next in The Hidden Memory_**

****Feli , that's what people call me . It's short , sweet , and cute , just like me . Or rather how I act . I may seem happy and stupid, but I'm accualy quite the opposite. You see I'm ... Ill . Well ill is the word Romano , my brother , use .

However I call it being a freak of nature .

Romano is the only other living who knows about my condition. nonno Rome , and Holy Rome knew ... But , well ... You know where they are now . I also plan on keeping it that way . I'm not even planning on telling Germany . Ever . He would leave me , call me a freak and be disgusted with me . Just when we finally got over the shyness of ourselves and started dating . That's what has happened when I told Romano , but he can't really abandon me , wether for personal comfort, or that we are a joint landmass is an aspect , so we can't really stay that far apart for a long period of time .

For example , when we have fights we usually try staying away from each other , but after a few days to a week , we would bump into each other on the street , or walk into the same restraint . Like the world doesn't want us apart . And I kind of want to think her for that , yet , get mad at her all at once . You see I do love my brother , I do . However , he thinks medicine is magic and fixes everything . But in all truth my medicine doesn't help a lot most times .

Oh , stupid me I haven't realy clarified my illness yet , but you may have already guessed it from before . It's Depression, by the way . And it is a fucking bitch . Oops I'm sounding like brother , forgive me .

Sometimes I want to die . I want to die for many reasons , to give more convenient to others , they would be a lot happier without the 'annoying' , 'stupid' or 'disappointment ' of an Italian . Everyone would be happier if I was never born accualy . Brother would be and feel more appreciated and stronger . The other nations wouldn't have to put up with me . Also , Holy Rome may still be alive . Im not as ditsy as I let on , I know why he went to war . It was for me , and it was my fault he died .

!

I wake up to Germany , or as I like to call him ; Luddy , shaking my shoulder .

" ve~ good morning Luddy~ " I yawn and wrap my arms around his middle . He laughs and tells me to get up , that we have a G8 meeting today .

Joy. Another day of pretending. Pretending to be ditsy , well don't always pretend to be Ditsy , especially when it's just me and Germany .

Years before we started to go out I droped the ditsy act around him . I don't know why , I just felt like i could . Sure Germany was a little shocked , but he told me he always thought I was hiding a bit of my intelligence, given my past . He's much more incisive than I originally thought .

I geuss that just attracted us more to eachother.

I sigh and get out of bed with Germany to get ready for the day . However , when I'm sure he isn't looking , I take my medication .

!

Even though have taken my medicine, I soon start to feel helpless and that there realy is no meaning to the world even though I know it's ilogical . Some days I haven't been able to get out of bed , but told Germany it was because I was lazy or tiered . Lucky , today I was able to get out of bed easily and carry out basic hygene . I then head downstairs to the kitchen were Luddy has prepared our breakfast . In all honesty the sight of the delicious looking convections make me light up . I wasn't let down either , it tasted just as good as it looked . After about an hour of T.V. after breakfast ( which included my favorite thing to do , cuddling with Luddy ) , we gather our stuff and head for the meeting place .

!

After the boring , and honestly pointless meeting , we head home . The meeting was pointless because of all the arguing nothing was completed. As we drive home we hold hands and I start to fall asleep a little .

When we get home , Germany wakes me with a kiss to my head sweetly . I'm in love , if I'm being honest with myself .

!

i look down at my wrists , pick up a razor I bought .

No . I still couldn't do it . I craved it oh so much , but I promised never again .

' _oh , how you deserve it , oh how you deserve it . You have no purpose , you are a disappointment , ugly , unimportant , shitty , selfish Person . Wait you aren't even a person are you , you're lower than a human . You deserve to die and burn .'_ A little voice lectured me .

" I know ... " I whisper , however , the voice still presses me with the obvious truth . I keep saying i know , I know , louder until I'm screaming. We screen at eachother . Then I hear footfalls , running , by the the quick and loud display. My bathroom door is slammed open ... By Germany . I stop my frantic screaming and I just now realize I'm crying . I haven't cryed for years . Well not on the outside .

Germany quickly pulls me into his chest to cry on .

I do , oh I do . I sob into his chest it's quckly stained by hot , bitter tears . Im sure I ask him 'why' multiple times .

Im pathetic. I always end up here , always rely on Others , I can't stand on my own .

Germany calms me down ( I had hid my razor again before the voice started lecturing me ) and starts me a bath while I finish our diner . Tonight we had shipwreck with extra potatoes just for Germany . I smile sadly before heading back upstairs to the bathroom .

" Oh , Feli , just in time , I hope it's warm enough . " he smiles . I think I'm the only one to make him smile after ... Well anyway , I smile back . I real smile , just like only I make him smile only he can make me smile . He turns to leave , but I grab his black tee shirt.

" Stay with me? ... Please." Germany looks at me a little shocked with aight blush spreading his cheecks . However , I can tell he wanted to be closer to me today after the ... Scene he came home to .

" o-of course lieben ." He smiles at me

!

We climb into the hot water and that , combined with being with eachother, it was a contempt, calming feeling . I lean into Germanys chest and feel happiness spark inside me . He wraps his arms around my front after rubbing my back a little .

Yes , this is happiness. But do I deserve it ?

!

" Dry your hair properly. " Germany lectures me as we head back to the bedroom . He has already changed into his PJ's , and I being me , am only in a pair of boxers . I sit on the side of the bed with my towel on my head , pouting .

" But I have." I say as he sits down by the head of the bed .

"no you haven't , look ," he says as he softly grabs a lock of my red hair ." It's still damp." He pulls me onto he's lap and starts to dry my hair himself . " you'll get sick of you go to bed with wet hair." He says softly .

" So , what if I do , what would it matter." I say in deadpan . I must say I surprised myself . I lean back into his chest yet again , and he stops rubbing my hair. He looks at me in bewilderment .

" Feli , that's no way to talk , being sick would mean no pasta ." He jokes , and I laugh with him.

Once drying is done , we make our way under the covers and hold onto eachother . Well ok , I hold onto him more , but I'm the uke , I have an exuse . He holds me back , but softly , like ill brake . Luddys so considerate . As I fall asleep I think to my self ; yes , yes I think i do deserve a little happiness, I deserve Luddy .


End file.
